I’m spending the weekend back in Gainesville (ahh, so beautiful) because a friend of mine will be moving to Austin and this is his last weekend in Florida.  We ate at Satchels (the best pizza ever…and definitely a local Gainesville joint and eclectic to every extent, awesome) and then we went to a friends place and played games (yes, that is the best kind of party there is btw).  Today we had a cookout at the trouse and played wuffle (sp?) ball (for anyone who doesn’t know, it’s, how I described it, extreme baseball (you can throw the ball and hit people to tag them out, for example).  After cleaning up, went to church and went to a movie.  Not sure what’s on the agenda for tomorrow (besides sleeping in) but it’s been fun (minus a couple mishaps–> K may have RE-TORN his RIGHT knee (supposedly the one that was his good knee, operated on 3 years ago with no further problems…till today, and then Meggles sprained her ankle after being struck out and somewhat diving over a cone on the field…we play kinda rough in this group sometimes though not at all on purpose).

Now like I said this was a weekend for Drew, a friend who graduated with his masters and will be moving back home to Texas to his perfect job (literally, it is the essentially the job that he wanted to do for a company he’s interned for previously..it worked out beautifully).  So to Drew I wish the best of luck when you leave on Thursday and I know you will be noting but successful.  May God bless your life and your dreams.  Until you visit

Desires of the heart…Psalm 20 says:

“1In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
2 May he send you help from his sanctuary
and strengthen you from Jerusalem.
3 May he remember all your gifts
and look favorably on your burnt offerings.
Interlude

4 May he grant your heart’s desires
and make all your plans succeed.
5 May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory
and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
May the Lord answer all your prayers.”

There was a time when I read that verse very selfishly.  I thought to myself that the Bible says it, so it must be so, after all it can be found in other places as well.  For example in James it says “you do not have, because you do not ask God” (of course it continues with a very important portion of the verse I ignored at the time…”When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”).  Anyway, I read it simply, “grant you the desires of your heart…may God answer all your prayers.”  This in my head was ok, this is what I want, now preferibly, and so this is a verse that I can quote (wrongly mind you) and think to myself that here lies my answers.

My mistake was of course, first and foremost, taking the verses out of context.  Psalm 20 is a blessing.  It begins with reference to the God of Jacob.  A commentary that I referenced to mentions that Israel means “governed by God” in sharp contrast to the word Jacob, which means “heel snatcher” (you might remember the reference to Jacob, son of Issac and Rebekah).  This interprets in the Old Testament reading to simply say May God hear our cry even when you are in trouble or straying from him.  Knowing the background of the psalm is important because as you continue reading you can begin to see a continuation of that thought, “may the LORD help you in times of trouble.”  (commentary from Jon Courson’s “Application Commentary”)

This verse still offers great hope to me, though with correct view.  I have times of hardship, of doubt, or of pain and suffering, but what it comes down to is that God will always be with me.  He does know the desires of my heart and as they are in accordance with him, he will grant them.  Ask not in selfishness…as it is said in James (correctly this time) “you do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”  If I focus my attention on the cross and on God I find that the world will fly by, and everything falls into place, usually better than anything I could ever have imagined or planned.

So tonight I pray that God be with you.  That he grant you the desires of your heart and that he answers your every prayer (even if it’s not quite the answer you were expecting).  May you truly be blessed as we begin the start of the weekend.

I get irritated when people decide that they are your best friends when it is convenient for them and then forget about you (it “slips their minds” to bother returning any calls or e-mails).  Whats with that?

To be completely honest, lately I have felt very alone.  I know the truth, I know God’s peace.  After an especially difficult time in my life I drew a “tribal” dove and had it tattooed onto my lower back (lower back because I am really the only one who sees it-minus swim suits, therefore, it is not to show off or to make a statement about tattoos, its a reminder to me of the peace of God that overwhelmed me during that time and that got me through the pain that I felt)  Philippians 4:6-9 describes it well.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” NIV

I know that God is with me and that he is guiding me.  His timing is perfect and in that timing I will find a job (as I learn patience).  I know that my parents love me and are desperate to do nothing but show compassion toward me and to wrap me in their arms, helping in anyway they can.  I know that K is there for me, with an open ear, listening to me, an open shoulder for those times when I just can’t handle it, and a gentle word to reassure me that God and my parents and he are there for me.  I guess it’s hard also because I’ve heard nothing from anyone since I moved (except asking for my last utilities payment) and no one bothering to ask about if I had any leads yet.

I just feel very alone and I feel as if that is my fault.  That I have somehow pushed them all away into not caring.  No, it’s never all one persons fault, but I suppose because I’m the only one asking the questions right now, I get the blame.

I moved home because I still am without a job (or a clue of direction for a job) and my lease ran out and so my mom and I began cleaning out my closet so I can utilize it rather than taking up half of the living room with suitcases filled with all of my clothes. As I was going through my drawers and shelves loaded down with letters and books and old cassette tapes (quite successfully I might add) I came across a small manila envelope from the mission trip I went on in 2000 (before my freshman year of high school).

Part of the trip was to write little notes to people on your crew (we were fixing houses in downtown Savanna, GA that year…I was on a roofing crew) and anyone else you might have met or know (including your group you came with aka. my youth group). Reading through the letters from these people made me realize why I loved that trip so much. They thanked me for my smiles, for good work, for my knowledge of the word and input during devotions. I had letters from people I used to be close to that called me their best friends despite being 5 years my senior and thanking me for loving them just as they were…

One of the things I regret is growing apart from so many people. I saw it as “their loss” and moved on. sure, I have my friends that I love and I am close to, but there is something special that is shared when time is spent to build those relationships, to allow God to mold them and knit them tightly together. It’s not a matter of being “best buds” talking for hours every day…it’s a matter of taking the time and maintaining relationships simply because they are worth it.

I moved home because I still am without a job (or a clue of direction for a job) and my lease ran out and so my mom and I began cleaning out my closet so I can utilize it rather than taking up half of the living room with suitcases filled with all of my clothes.  As I was going through my drawers and shelves loaded down with letters and books and old cassette tapes (quite successfully I might add) I came across a small manila envelope from the mission trip I went on in 2000 (before my freshman year of high school).

Part of the trip was to write little notes to people on your crew (we were fixing houses in downtown Savanna, GA that year…I was on a roofing crew) and anyone else you might have met or know (including your group you came with aka. my youth group).  Reading through the letters from these people made me realize why I loved that trip so much.  They thanked me for my smiles, for good work, for my knowledge of the word and input during devotions.  I had letters from people I used to be close to that called me their best friends despite being 5 years my senior and thanking me for loving them just as they were…

One of the things I regret is growing apart from so many people.  I saw it as “their loss” and moved on.  sure, I have my friends that I love and I am close to, but there is something special that is shared when time is spent to build those relationships, to allow God to mold them and knit them tightly together.  It’s not a matter of being “best buds” talking for hours every day…it’s a matter of taking the time and maintaining relationships simply because they are worth it.

It’s amazing that when everything seems to just be going…well…wrong and you are at wits end, that is when God just comes through and everything starts to go so beautifully right.  If you have  read any of the past things that I have written you may have picked up on the disgruntled feelings I’ve had toward my roommates, the stress about jobs (that was probably not really obvious, but it’s been pretty intense), and then stress from school and exams.  I have been feeling kind of dreary and just not joyful, despite the sunshine of the summer and the excitement of reaching the end of the year.  Then yesterday I found out that one of my roommates won’t be at my graduation and several other friends of mine won’t be able to come either because they will be visiting family that same weekend.  I just broke down and realized that it doesn’t matter.  The only people I need to be there will be there.  Besides that my other roommate and I talked about  what was going on between us and how each of us were irritating each other and we were able to work everything out.  Basically we ended up watching chick flicks together, just chilling out, and we bounced back to where I love our friendship.  This morning I woke up and got ready for my exam.  I got in my car and I prayed.  I got to school and I parked on campus and prayed (this one was mixed, also hoping that my car wouldn’t get towed).  I get into my exam and I prayed.  I get out and I had to laugh.  There was my car next to three other cars that got tickets, but mine didn’t (God is cool!).  I made it through this semester because of His immaculate glory, it just took me a little time to slow down to be able to notice it.  I have my interview tomorrow and I have prayed about it, I have family praying for me, I’ve had people at the church pray for me, and I know that His will is going to be done.  That’s all I need right now.  and He is enough for all of my needs.

Isn’t this such a beautiful picture of God reaching down to hug us close to Him,

just loveing us endlessly no matter how many times we let him down.

So I wasn’t completely straight with how upset I was last night.  It was like I was FINALLY DONE and no one cared.  They don’t have to, no, but asking how my exams went yesterday would have been nice.  I guess I feel that I have put too many expectations on these 2 that…well, I’m just tired of being let down.  I am ready to move out.  I love them dearly and they are wonderful friends, I guess we just have different lives and the 2 of them happen to fall into the same activities and I fall, well, I kind of have been doing my own thing, focusing on school a lot this semester.  It’s no one’s fault I don’t think but I was hurt to find out that both of them are going out on Friday and I wasn’t even asked to go so here I was planning dinner for K’s birthday and it will be me, him, and his old roommate…because they don’t remember me saying anything about it for the past month.  So I guess that clears up the vague so no one was home but this happened kind of entry from last night (though K did lock his keys in his car, we finally got them)